I have once again reach one of those moments where life has hit a, seriously titanium, wall... I don't know if it is life or it is just me. I have been here before... Shattered, not really feeling as if I have any idea of what I am doing, even though I am doing it. Not all of it in a good way... And I am moving towards a catastrophe,... of some sort, it would seem.
I am not showing up in my life, in the best way I can, because I am feeling fragmented, as if at one point I slipped and lost control of the wheel... I know, that these are choices and energies, I have created... I know that, I am the only one, who can move things in another direction. I know, that if I don't learn how to swim in these new waters I have found myself in, I could actually drown... metaphorically and God forbid, perhaps physically.
So, Why? Why once again am I feeling emotions and energies that have haunted me before... It has been a long time since I have felt the lack of clarity I am feeling these days. I'm not a stupid person, so why am I fighting so hard? Creating situations that I know are not good for my future? Why do I care so much some days, and others I couldn't care less if I was on this planet at all... why have I accepted at this moment, a state of emotional upheaval and general stasis, in my life... What the hell am I afraid of... What is keeping me from seeing the truth of what I am in this moment, and how much it is not, who I truly am?
Fuck!(repeated several times... loudly...) When did I become so dis-enchanted?... Now what?
Well I better swing my self around very quickly or I will be feeding my children out of a dumpster... A moment to breathe... To remind myself, This too shall pass...
Some times I really hate the Holidays...
A quote, that saved my life in the past...
"Courage does not always roar. Sometime courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying...
I will try again tomorrow. (Mary Anne Radmacher)
Thank you Mary Anne... I will figure it out. It seems, I always do... (I guess I have a little fear that there may come the day that I won't...)
May you all dream beautifully... May we all, one day awaken, to the end of darkness in our lives... and know love...
Blessings...
(This is one of those times where I remind myself I teach that which I most need to learn...)
I know that if you let people that care about you into your heart and speak truth to those people, about your feelings, needs and wants you will feel full and content. You taught me this and I know it works....you deserve so much love and friendship. Let myself and your friends around you give back what you have given us....you just need to ask....we are here to listen. You have taught us to listen....
ReplyDeleteI like the quotes you chose, I would have chosen the same for myself if I was walking down the road you are on. Which I have before as well, and am not looking forward to the next time I find myself there - as I see from you that it can happen to the strongest and most balanced of men.
ReplyDeleteI would have to say that for all of the things that you are dealing with and all of the thoughts in my head about that - I feel that Cynthia said it best, and though you and I have not been life long friends up to this point - we do wear the same shirts a lot! and I think her comments would fair well with me if I were in your shoes.
Trying again everyday (especially when it feels like it is blindly) takes courage; pocket the small successes and with the bad, look at it, acknowledge it, then crumple it up and through it in the trash and keep moving forward. If you need us to dump your trash when it is full - we are here.